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Dear Jan,

Lest you think Dr. Yarn let us down, let me set the record straight.  He delivered his column per our contract well before January ended; indeed, he shared a draft with me over the holidays.

I let him, and his readers, down by not getting it edited and published.  I hope the quality of his insights which I now share will assuage some of the frustration I’m sure you have been feeling.

Love,

Ellen

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This question just came in from a reader from Virginia.
Q. What is this I hear about a special tax on knitting?
A. I’m sorry to say that what you heard is true. I was invited to a closed-door, by-partisan* hearing in Washington on the Fourth of July, of all times. Our Congress is so desperate to balance the budget that some members are considering taxing anything they can get away with.

A five percent tax on yarn patterns, a ten percent tax on needles, and a fifteen percent tax on domestic yarn were discussed. Imported yarn would be taxed at twenty percent!  (Note the use of passive voice, a true indicator that someone is trying to get away with something.)

Devastating to knitters who depend on travel knitting to stay calm on extended trip, it was suggested that our country levy a tax on any yarn that left the country. To make it worse, if you knitted something while on vacation overseas, there would be a value-added tax when you returned to this country! (Though this would depend on the choice of pattern - some decrease the value of the yarn they are knit in, we must admit.)

I am not naming names, but the idea to start an annual tax on one’s yarn inventory could seriously impact several of my readers**. Such a tax would undoubtedly hurt the economy - conscientious knitters would reduce yarn inventory thus causing a slow down in yarn sales.

One senator suggested a simple but disturbing approach.   He proposed adding check-off boxes to each 1040 income tax form that ask if you — never knit, — only occasionally knit, or — were a Knitter with a capital K. This would result in a zero, five percent, or fifteen percent additional tax, respectively, on page 2, line 44, of your adjusted taxable income.

I soon realized that these legislators were completely out-of-touch.  During Q&A I asked for a show of hands of the members of Congress who have actually knitted. Not a hand went up!

Think about that. It makes you wonder what kind of people we are sending to Washington, doesn’t it? . I encourage you to subscribe to our new publication, Knitter’s Voice. We will keep you posted on who is on our list to vote out of office in 2012. We love single issue politics here (really, who doesn’t?), and anyone who doesn’t want to  tax the rich but is perfectly willing to tax poor knitters will make that list.

Thank you for your timely question,

Dr. Yarn

*This is not a typo.  I am not referring to a hearing held by both parties; rather, to a hearing held behind closed doors to get it by any objections of partisans of knitting.  Yes, I agree, quite the nefarious strategy.

** Tax tip in case this is enacted: Hide your inventory in the trunk of several Cadillacs, or perhaps knit some pullover V-neck vests out of it and avoid some of the taxation.

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P.S. One extension I won’t get is to the end of the Iknitarod - the fiber challenge to complete a significant project during the course of the great sled dog race, the Iditarod.  I’ve cast on for the vest I am required to knit for the Master Knitter Level II certification program.  Believe it or not, though my stash is large enough to trigger my immediate subscription  for Knitter’s Voice, as I sure can’t afford that stash tax, I did not own enough of the “smooth, light-colored, non-heathered ” yarn required. I ran out and got some nice simple Cascade 220 in a periwinkle that I hope is light enough.  It is definitely smooth and non-heathered.

Poison is smooth, non-heathered, but definitely not light colored.

Dear Jan,

Did you know that Dr. Yarn has a background in archaeology?  Neither did I, but it is apparently so.  Read on…

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This question recently came in from Cynthia at Arizona State University.

Q. The Sept 12, 2011 Garfield  mentions knitted underwear for the Cro-Magnon man. This seems unlikely to me, but Garfield has never led me astray before.  Did such garments really exist?
A. This surprised even me, but digging in deeper (which is really what you have to do in this field), we find new archeological evidence that this information from Garfield is true.  As you know, the weather was cold in the Cro-Magnon era. Although Cro-Magnon man (…and woman …and child) was hairy, this alone wasn’t enough to keep him or her warm. Necessity is the mother (…or father …not child) of invention, and the Cro-Magnon people discovered a use for the wool they acquired upon killing a Wooly Mammoth.

The Cro-Magnons couldn’t afford to waste a bit of these difficult prey.  Of course, they ate the meat first, but then they tried chewing on some of the hide and fiber (yes, even then the nutritionists were big on fiber).  The wool stuck between their teeth in an irritating way, and when they twisted it to remove it, they discovered spinning.

With knitting needles made from the rib bones and millenia to while away before  TV and board games were invented, they passed the time spinning and knitting undies for themselves. They did not make outer garments - fashion statements had not been invented yet, either.

Early Cro-Magnon had only thong panties at first, but as their skills improved they  advanced to long underwear.
As an unintended consequence, those who play chess are a little put out because they always thought chess was the oldest activity; now they find that knitting is much older. I have it on a reliable source that the United States Chess Federation is trying to raise a million dollars to fund an expedition to see if they can find out that Cro-Magnon actually played chess while wearing their knitted undies.  Now that is something we are all interested in!

Thanks for that good question, and it is nice to hear from college students who are interested in finding out the truth no matter how much it upsets some of our narrow biases and myths.

Dr. Yarn

Always the helpful advisor, Dr. Yarn provides guidance on planning one’s knitting projects for the season.  This month he answers a question from a D.C. area reader.

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Q. I’m planning my summer knitting and I heard you knitted some neat things last summer. Would you share what you did to help me in my summer knitting planning?
A. Sure! That is the way we knitters expand our horizons—by sharing ideas.

It was a routine summer for me. We were at our place on Martha’s Vineyard and attended a cookout at the Obama’s place.  Michele insisted I take home some of the brownies she had made. I wasn’t prepared with a gift for her so I quickly knitted a wrap for her to use at formal state dinners and gave it to her when they stopped by for a weenie roast on the beach. She was delighted - she hadn’t been able to find anything she liked in the D.C. area.

The conversation naturally turned to gift giving and Michele mentioned that she had trouble finding gifts to exchange with other first ladies and especially the Queen of England. The Queen has about everything she needs for the house and kitchen, as you can imagine. This gift-giving quandary is just the opportunity for a hand-crafted item to shine, so I started on a lap blanket for Michelle to give to Liz (she lets good friends get colloquial with her name) for use in the open carriage she rides in for weddings and state occasions.

Truth be told, I almost bit off more than I could chew because the coat of arms in the center was a real hassle. All those ends to weave in! If the government had a nickel for every one of them, I believe we wouldn’t have to worry about debt ceilings.

As I always say, use as good a yarn as you can afford.  For gifts, especially one like this, quality materials are even more important - I wouldn’t want the Queen to wonder if our country were in financial trouble.

Now you are not going to believe this, but last fall the Obamas were on the Big Island in Hawaii the same time we were there. I had just finished the blanket - it is OK if your summer knitting slips into fall. When I saw Michelle at McDonald’s I invited her and the family over for dessert, which is when I gave her the gift for the Queen. She was overjoyed, if I do say so myself.

We talked about ideas for Christmas giving, and she mentioned that her toughest job was gifts for the Secret Service people that guard the kids. I suggested that it would be no problem for me to knit several holsters for their guns. Again she was pleased and wanted to pay me, but of course I was glad to do my bit for our country. I had a pattern already (doesn’t everyone have a good holster pattern?) and used a soft yarn, some Malabrigo worsted weight, so as not to irritate the Secret Service folks’ chests.  I was able to finish six before Christmas. I even got thank you notes from the Secret Service employees, who are nothing if not polite.

Of course, I finished off the summer with several pairs of booties for my friends; children and grandchildren. But these quickies don’t really count, do they?

Thanks for the question. This shows that we can always gain from sharing our ideas.
Dr. Yarn

Wield powerful deterrents and knit this delightful baby ensemble simultaneously.  Find out how in this month’s Dr. Yarn!

Dear Jan,

Dr. Yarn is highly reliable and sent his monthly missive in several days ago.  Kittens, unfortunately (or fortunately, depending on how much you like kittens), displaced him for a few days.  But there is no stopping Dr. Yarn.  Here is his June installment.

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This sincere question came from an alert reader in Walla-Walla, Washington.
Q. Why are some needles pointy on both ends?
A.  The consequences of this question should have a little disclaimer, but here it goes anyway.

A lot of times you are at a particular key point in the garment you are knitting and a well meaning (but not true knitter) comes up and tries to engage you in some nonsensical or trivial discussion—definitely not on knitting—and you have to take drastic action. Just jab them in the butt bum with the non-working pointy end of one or both needles. If you are using four needles, just give them the entire load of two needles in each cheek. I know it is drastic, but hey; we are talking about saving an important part of our American Heritage.

Thank you for this “Save America for Americans” question. Get the point?
Dr. Yarn

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 Note: Fancy restaurants have taken note of this knitting defense technique, providing diners with multiple forks, some to with which to eat, some with which to defend one’s plate.

Dear Jan,

When Dr. Yarn received a question pitched from “twinsetjan”, he knew it was a high priority and stepped up to the plate.  I  believe he has knocked it out of the park.*

From Dr. Yarn:

The questions have been pouring in; however, I have moved this question to the head of the list because of its importance.

Q. A “friend of mine” is feeling tempted to try spinning.  It seems knitting hasn’t consumed every second of her life and all her peers are experimenting with this mainlining variant of fiber habits.  My question: “Is knitting just a gateway drug that inevitably leads misguided fiber artists to the hard stuff?”  I hope you can help.  Of course, your usual rates will apply.

With regards, twinsetjan

A.  If this is really a friend of yours, you must step in immediately. Case studies in my book, “Problem Knitters or Off the Deep End,” clearly establish disastrous outcomes. The warning signs are obvious. To help you, here are some things to look for: weight loss, graying hair, escape gardening, eating foreign food, visiting yarn shops while allegedly on business trips, secretly stockpiling yarn and wool, purchasing spinning equipment, putting spinning before the “Final Four” or even the “Super Bowl,” and avoiding many of the excellent sitcoms on evening TV.

The worst-case scenario is your friend may have to go into fiber artist’s rehab. Most people don’t realize several presidents’ wives got started on spinning and ended up in rehab. It doesn’t take a rocket scientist to understand the real reason that many college football players end up on hard stuff is because their coaches insist that they spend some time each day spinning instead of studying and working out in the weight room.

I hope this helps and thanks for this question that may help true friends of all top-level knitters.

During these troubled times I am waiving my usual fee for all military personnel. This is in honor of my service in the 1st Cavalry Division– in the Gerry Own regiment to be exact. As  military historians will recollect, this unit was wiped out in the Battle of Little Big Horn. Custer was spinning while the yarn burned.  But I digress.
Dr. Yarn

*I must be more influenced by the Twin’s  first day in their new outdoor ballpark - lovely warm breezes and sunshine and a convincing win.