Dear Jan,
Wilson and I have been together over 30 years now, and I think we both feel more connected than even in the heady days of falling in love. Given the perilous nature of the modern relationship - the stresses of work, days apart due to travel, the distraction of individual obsessions, the focus on children or friends in joy or in need - I took a moment yesterday to be appreciative of the millions of times our paths must have taken the small turning back towards each other in order for us to stay together. They all add up to a miracle.
I am not a believer in a deity, but this makes no difference if one defines a miracle as something occurring against amazing odds and for which one is profoundly grateful. Your gratitude for such a thing may go out to a specific being; mine goes out to the universe. What matters is that we appreciate the outcome in a deep and mindful way.
Today I am thinking about the physical miracle of our beings. How billions and billions of happy accidents add up to each life, how each body keeps working - pumping blood, transmitting nerve signals, heck, even how those nerve signals add up to thoughts or drive actions - crazy miraculous, if you ask me.
You recall that I met L’s mother in grad school, the woman whose humor and loving heart got me through failing my thermodynamics qualifier and celebrated with me upon completion of my dissertation. A significant disappointment of my life is that I had to move away just before L was born and didn’t get to hold her as she entered this world, but I’ve tried to make up for that by spending as much time with her and her younger sister, C, over the years as I could. They are nieces of my heart, rather than by blood or marriage.
Many billions of happy accidents brought L into our lives, one more miracle for those of us who know her. She is one of those people whose enthusiasms are colossal. She doesn’t love strawberries, she LOVES!!! strawberries. She isn’t interested in astronauts, she owns a flight suit and collects NASA material and dreams daily of the stars. She doesn’t pass through the medical system, she studies the history of the surgeries she is undergoing and delves into the biographies of the doctors who invented the procedures. How did we get so lucky to share this earth with this wonderful creature?
You also know that L had an unhappy accident along her way towards being, probably one tiny gene mutation. Born with a serious condition that required heart-lung surgery when she was just months old and several times since, she is in surgery once more this morning.
Lauren once again approaches a point where her existence could go in so many different ways, even the very real possibility of coming to an end. I am doing my best to focus on the billions and billions of happy accidents that brought her to us, and how just a few more this morning are undeniably, even if seemingly unbelievably, possible.
Blessed be,
Ellen